ESPN host Ryen Russillo, has a future in front of him as a contestant on the hit series Naked and Afraid, if the sports station decides to part ways with him for being busted Wednesday morning while drunk and naked in a stranger’s condo in Wyoming.
This story is not only hilarious as hell but is also inspiring as I began to reminisce to the good ole days when I would get really hammered and wake up in places having no idea how I got there or who the people were I was lying in close proximity to. Never one to let an opportunity pass, I have scoured the internet in search of the funniest “drunkest I ever been” stories. So without further ado I present to you what is the most intoxicated(because being high on drugs can be funny to) you have ever been.
Ryan from California, College Party
Hosted a party at my apartment in college. Passed out on the couch around 3am. Some random dude was sleeping in my roommate’s Lazy Boy recliner chair. Happened to wake up to him sleepwalking. He stood up out of the chair, lifted the seat cushion up, unzipped his pants and proceeded to pee in the chair with his back to me, as if it was a toilet. He then zipped back up, put the seat cushion back down, and made a motion with his hand as if he was flushing a toilet. Then turned around and sat back down in his own urine, sound asleep again. I just went back to bed. He slept in it the whole night. Still have no clue who that dude was.
Unknown author, Backyard Fight:
I was living in Ypsilanti, MI and got invited to a backyard party. My roommate shows up with some cigars and lights one up. He says they taste weird, and can he get my opinion. I tell him they taste weird, but it’s hard to tell, as we’re next to a bonfire and the smoke is flavoring everything. Turns out they were full of hash. All the while he’s giving me and another friend belts from his whiskey bottle, not telling us it’s 100 proof. So, half hour into the party — it’s like nine o’clock — and my buddy and I are wasted. I had probably had half a pint of 100 proof whiskey at that point. We would have been drunk had the whiskey been regular strength, but because it was stronger we were Hulk-mode drunk. Naturally, my friend and I decide to test our skills with a fistfight. I get punched in the neck immediately, get pissed, and threw my friend into a fence, which he collapsed. The host of the party comes out and berates us. He tells us to prop it up and get the fuck out. Everyone is screaming at each other. I tell my friend that we’ll never speak to him until he apologizes about knocking down the fence. I then tell everyone to go fuck themselves and decide to walk home.
On the way home, I’m a mess. I have that sort of energized, looming drunk that is a combination of youthful energy and the inability to calculate rates of alcohol intake. Every step is like catching myself before I fall over. My anger slips away and suddenly I’m feeling very maudlin. I call my buddy, leave a message and apologize. I collapsed into bed and woke up the next morning to discover two things:
I had pissed the bed.
My mom was calling me over and over. I hadn’t called “Mike,” I had called “Mom,” whose number was immediately below his. She was concerned because I called her the night before, sobbing and blubbering, to tell her how much I loved her and that we should never fight again because you don’t get a lot of chances to connect with someone and you shouldn’t throw that away over some bullshit and shit dude, I just love you so much and I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but I’m aware of it and I’m working on it, really I am, but I want you to know I’m not pissed and it was my fault and it’s hard for me to be mature sometimes, especially when I get called out in public because I get defensive, but I think you understand, and if we could talk soon I’m sure we can agree to laugh about it, because it really is dumb if you think about it.
Bantherone, Parked in a Ditch:
Went out to the car to puke. I was parked at the end of the driveway at a house party. After I threw up I passed out. Someone asked me to move my car so they could leave. I thought I pulled over to the side. I fell asleep only to be woken up to banging on my window. Some guy is asking why the hell I’m parked in the middle of his driveway. I mumble sorry and throw it into reverse. Almost backed right into his car. As soon as he moves I back out of his driveway and pull to the side of the road to keep sleeping. I wake up to banging on the window again. “You’re parked in the middle of the fucking road.” Look around, try to pull over and drive off the road into a ditch where I spent the night.